Silent Sanctuary: March 2008

Life's a bitch and we are all hanging on it.

Winnie(my colleague) once posted a shoutout at her Friendster saying ," Life's a bitch & I'm better at it."
I like!

When do you remember at point of your life that fits into La Vie En Rose?
No matter how good it can be, you would tend to screw it up & find fault with it. Ok...Technicially there are faults in our lives that can never be ceased. One wave after another, two bumps after three.

Sometimes life's stupid and sometimes you make it stupid. I, for one, make it stupid with all those darn emotions that probably aren't even needed in the first place! When I realised how stupid I am, I feel like banging my darn head on the wall but hey, I'm not gonna compromise that my head for that stupidity. (Great! I don't even know what am I trying to say now.)

Anyway... Big hugs for my Vonny. Gal, gal..don't ever be too hard on yourself. If you only live once, you probably gonna start living for yourself. And thank you for dedicating an entry for me. Hee..

I am so gonna paint my room!!

Stripes like that,colour like that. I'm thinking if I should paint the entire piece or only that part as shown in the pic, leaving the upper part in white or more probably pink so I could paint other things like..Stars,angels,hearts???

Jason told me it is gonna be hard. -__-Hmm...I DON'T CARE! Gonna stop procrastinating!
First step, visit the www.(s) for some techniques on DIY paint.(But I never pick from manual guide that well.)
Second, find up how much does paint actually cost.
Third,starts marking the measurements.
I kinda doubt it can be done within April..Well..maybe May?

Dinner with mum is one of my most enjoyable things to do. We may not share a lifetime topics over food but it is still something that is very lacking in my entire 23, ok 24 years.

I grew up in a rather typical just very average income kinda family. Part of my childhood involved me in collecting plates & serving customers @ coffeeshop. I do not detest that part of my life even though I didn't think I like it either. I think coffeeshop children, or so I called them, are ...hmm...strong people. At least stronger.
I mean, look at the brats these days. Especially year 1990 babies onwards, what the hell do they know about peeling cucumber skins & get disgusted how your skin becomes after the cucumber juices stained?
That's my whole point. What do they know & what would I know about living the REAL hardship?
Get real!

I was generally commenting that the only the cakeshop auntie @ Serangoon sells those 'old time cakes'. Somehow this spun to my mum saying if I do not keep up with my education, I would get left behind by the society as well.
She's right. I told her study,study lo. But if I have the money, I wouldn't spend it on certificates. I would take it for travelling & seeing the globe!
To me, (I emphasize...to ME) spending easily ten over thousands (I know a degree costs more than that) on a piece of paper (that won't even buy you happiness eventually) that won't make you any prettier when you died is somewhat...meaningless. (Why am I so big on the word 'meaningless' lately?)

When you died..or rather before you died, would you then wish spending that kinda money on something else? Even donating to a charity would somewhat make it more worth it.
I dunno, maybe it is just me. I don't hate studying but I'm not that big about it either. I just miss that college life. It is that life & friends evolving around you that mattered.

Just watched Enchanted on PPstream earlier on. When the show ended, I gave it a finger.
Honestly it wasn't that bad but it is those kinda movie that you would have considered pointing a gun to yourself if you watched it in cinemas.

If you wish to ask how am I feeling after all those hoo-haas that I blogged about? Without any strings attached, I feel fine. I am, really.
What if I am made for this?

I guess time would tell me.

Oh..before I end, I am serious about painting myself a princess room. Maybe not as extravagant as Xiaxue's(probably wont be as nice as well.) But it should not be too hard if I give myself the patience.
Conceptualise first.

Hope I get it done by April.

How can I end a weekend entry without my face,right?

What's on your bucket list?

It is seriously inhumane if you are not inspired after watching 'The Bucket List'. Sure the initial screen roll is kinda ZzZ and too much blah blah de blah but it catches you as you move along with the movie.

Where on earth could there be a better combination than Jack Nicholson & Morgan Freeman?
Jack Nicholson is someone you wish to have for a grandpa, someone who teaches you all the BAD things in life and laugh about it.
Morgan Freeman? He is still the black Almighty that you hold your breathe for, an indescribable sense of respect & somewhat fear but still mainly respect when you see him,especially when he laughs.

Everyone of us is gonna die someday, some day sooner or later than one another. I still fear death. I do not fear death as in death itself but I fear the notion of just imagining one day I would eventually grow old and laid in the coffin one day to be cremated.
Can you imagine that and not to shudder? Not me.

The bucket list is seemingly meaningless as the new year resolutions cos' while we still have not reach the gates of death(not that we would know when we stumbled onto it anyhow), we think we still have time to do other things that need our attention. Other things namely our jobs, the money, the materials. (and probably the needless emotions.)

I saw this THICK book at the travel section of Borders last year. Had wanted to buy than but thought I could save another $30 for something else. Not that I can't get the information online, not that I would ever have the chance to visit every of them, if not just any of them.

I bought it yesterday.

Hoodoo Mountain

Yoho National Park

Caribou Migration

And the world famous Niagara Falls. Do you think it is possible for me to get proposed there? Sigh...

Bucket list is not like your desires for material list. Maybe wanting a full collection of LVs fit into some want to do list before kicking the bucket but such made life ...meaningless.

I somewhat draw up a bucket list of my own and the first that comes to mind is actually visiting Disneyland,USA.
Hehee..=3

Of all the things happened that happened...I suddenly have the idea this morning that perhaps I ain't made for relationship.
Jason might think I could possibly be the best thing that happened to him but I always can't feel that I am.
Perhaps I should never accept someone that comes along when I do not share the same wave length.

I did thought of writing "return him the happiness he deserved" under my bucketlist.

It drives me my guilt up to the peak and kinda making me crazy when I do not know what the heck am I doing this for?

Do you mind giving me sometime alone?

I was reading the past few emails which I sent to Jason when we just started.
The heart wrenching thing is not the memories, not the times that we shared, not the precious feelings of just starting a relationship. It is the knot that has always been there.
With or without Ronald, with or without 'him'...This never change.

I read a few of the emails and realised that this issue has been brought out again & again.
Coming 5 years into the relationship, I know this is a joke that it is still a problem.

Jason...I am so sorry for all these. What do I do to make you feel better and what do I do to make you understand that I am not deserving at all?
I know the word jerk is just an understatement for me.

In my first few mails…I always ask…..
What if I cant love you….
What
if it’s a mistake of mine…
What if I have fallen for another…
What are you
gonna do with us…..

You always never gives up…..
Zhuangwen…our
fourth month is coming …im so sorry that this has to happen before it comes….but
perhaps a good time for us to think if we wanna carry on with
it.

Im so sorry that im always letting you to decide…coz im
scared….
Scare that its unfair for me just to decide…
Scare that I made
the wrong choice with us….
Scare that what I have decided to do will hurt you
most…

Heaven knows - Rick Price

Someone up there has his funny way to putting the right song at the right time even though it seems so wrong anyhow.
The day has been as terrible as you can imagined and I just do not know what is stopping us from breaking off.
The lack of courage, the last hope for nothing but it is all resulting me only wanting to vanish to the atmosphere & not be seen.

I do not blame Jason for wanting to stay on even though I tried my best to bring the worst of me,wanting to harden my heart to let him leave. I don't wanna think he was in the way or like he said, taking up the space that I would like to have for something else.I don't have the right to think that, do I? Rather in the first place, there is no one or nothing that I would like to have to be in that 'space' as much as I would love to.

The irony scene is that we sat facing each other at Shaw McCafe, not speaking a word to each other but smses replaced. Words were perhaps more audible than it could have been.

My last sms ended like this and I am not afraid to show it to you guys.

"I just dunno if this could be true happiness for you and me. I would respect your decision...to hold on till things happen or hoping it won't anyhow. Love, Jason...is something that I always can't have from the one I have heart for and use that as an double edge sword for the ones whom gave it to me. I just hope you don't put up with me longer than you should. One day if you leave me, I know I hell deserve that. One day if I leave you, don't forgive."

You people don't think it is a recent problem,do you?

This always exists just that when nothing or noone rather 'triggers' it, it remained safe. Safe in hiding.

What's my problem?!What is fuck is wrong with me! I wish someone would just come up to me and give me a left-right slap.

Why am I always doing this to myself and why I am always doing this to those who love me? It didn't starts with Jason...Way before, I am already doing this.
You think I fucking enjoy this?! I am not those that happily go around causing misery without me feeling sad & guilty? What do I have in return?
I can't even have the one I like giving me what I want,not even close to it.

Why can people move on and REALLY moved? Why am I seemly moving on but realised the chain is still not released?

I know you are so sick reading all this,asking what the fuck is wrong with me?

Tell me.

How many times you wish you haven't been such a fool?
How many times you wish you could control things better?

I wish for that more than what my hair could sums up to and still things happened?

To be so honest, I haven't stop thinking since a year back. The 'me' you saw moving on,forgetting is merely hiding the other side that I tried to forget.

Moving on didn't comes as easy as you mouth it & sure it is lessening the determination to when the one that stop you from moving on is still there.

Bes once said something like he doesn't know...he was thinking about the plot from Leap Years.About Qi Yuwu asking Wong Lilin why the present one has not made her forget about the past?
Bes is a dear old friend and he hits the spot in the heart.
That very scene wrecked me so much that I didn't feel any happier after the movie and that is the truth.

I seriously know that this shouldn't go on anymore as well?Why I am tugging Jason along when things are like this? Why am I making a fool outta myself everytime?
What am I hoping to get outta this and why can't I have it?

I have the strong desire to approach a fortune teller. I just need an assurance of what I should do. I have that desire since a year back but I dare not, lazy to and diss off the very idea.

I know I will come to an age which I would scoff at my own stupidity. What the fuck is love & one sided feeling,the kind of maybe-you-have-a-chance and stop-dreaming kinda relationship and so on?

To let go or just to hold on for a glimmer of hope?
This is the question for you & I both.

身边有太多风景　我却停在这里
说我傻得可以还不是因为你 -卓文萱
-

为啥要一直让自己相信？
为啥能让自己的心情一直受影响？

Honestly there is no end to one's stupidity.

"I keep wondering that too...but there really aint answers to matters of the heart. The only way out im afraid, is to find someone who can give you d happiness u truly desirres, n forget abt ur past. But then again, its not that simple is it..." - Bes.

It really ain't that simple..Bes.

How long can this stupidity lasts and what can comes outta it, good or bad?

The day we find love - 911

要怎么做才好？我们再拖下去是好的吗？连你也发现从一开始就象少了块啥似的。。。

快要到一年了。。。‘他’总是说我们认识快一年了。一年前。。。‘他’的出现把我和你的距离拉得更远。

我和‘他’是朋友的关系吧。我不知道要怎样老实因为连自己多看不清对‘他’的情感是啥麽。
似好朋友，似姐弟，偶尔又带些暧昧。。

想太多了吧。。。唉！笨蛋一个！

我想忘掉。。。自少等到比现在明朗点再说吧。
真的对不起。我真的不想伤害你但是我们要怎么办？

Somehow or another...I thought of this song suddenly and I thought it as you singing to me.

Don't you worry, I don't mean to make you sad
My tears will soon be over
With your conscience clear for a new life ahead

Don't be sorry, I really need to hear the truth
But the only thing I'm asking, 'cos I need you to
Remember me, as the only one who set you free

Maybe time alone will make you see
How deep our love could be
No, it's never too late

'Cos I know, this isn't the first time
It won't be the last time I surrender my soul
'Cos you're always, keepin' me waitin', anticipatin'
The day we find love once again

I won't give up while there's a glimmer of a chance
A dream that's never ending
Inviting love and a perfect romance
A burning passion, oh baby you're my destiny

But the message I'm receivin', is that your through with me
But I'll be there, even though you tell me you don't care
How could you forget the times we've shared
Don't throw our love away, you know it's never too late

Jason...Jason..

Finally I kinda finished clearing my ward rode! It is a much more painstaking chore than clearing the table,I tell cha!

The next thing I wish to do (if permission granted) is to paint my room pink!Not all pink. I want it in strips or flowers. Pink & white.

Which gal doesn't want a princess room?

Quite honestly...It is kinda disturbing to realise the truth sometimes. Rather than saying it's the truth,it is more of the side of story I've yet to stomach.
The more disturbing fact is why am I bothered?

-shake head!-

Anyway...Have not been doodling for sometime.
It's time to start!!!!!!

亲爱的，那不是爱情 - 张韶涵

教室裡那台風琴叮咚叮咚叮嚀　
像你告白的聲音　
動作一直很輕
微笑看你送完信　
轉身離開的背影　
喜歡你字跡清秀的關心

那溫熱的牛奶瓶在我手中握緊　
有你在的地方　
我總感覺很窩心
日子像旋轉木馬　
在腦海裡轉不停　
出現那些你對我好的場景

你說過牽了手就算約定　
但親愛的那並不是愛情
就像來不及許願的流星　
再怎麼美麗也只能是曾經

太美的承諾因為太年輕　
但親愛的那並不是愛情
就像是精靈住錯了森林　
那愛情錯的很透明

Just being totally honest

I read something that perhaps I shouldn't really have.
I dunno how to tell you how I feel? A lil' put off.
Cos I see what kinda person he was & realised that somethings kinda didn't changed.
He is not my Jason.
Jason is better,at least the way he treats a relationship.It's just me.

You know how somethings kinda bemused you and yet how it all boils down to be the same at the end of the day.

It could be a thing of the past but I kinda see the one whole darn loop that whoever plans this for me.

I just feel...utterly uncomfortable & somewhat dismayed.
But oh well...sure clear things up,isnt it?

I'm so bored that I'm watching 50 First Dates again.
It's a good movie though.

Could not speak as loud as my heart - Coldplay

Black hair.

Blond strips & that is not black you see, it's brown.

Before that, may I digress a lil.

This is the latest Adidas Originals series I owed. (Actually only the second) For Fyn's view.

This weekend is kinda bored & Jason has got a BAD hair cut. ZzZz.

Somethings you shouldn't believe in , no matter how believable it can be.

Get over it, get over it.

I dunno how to tell you about my hair right now. Messy blond stripes! (LOL!)Now that I know there is a distinct difference between blond & gold but I still think mine is gold. Stubborn hair that won't eat bleach. Haaa.

I can't say if I really like it but my friend thinks I'm more attractive than before. That's another LOL with a CAPTIAL L.
The stylist is such a friendly person and we are friends at first chat!Bonding isn't such a tough thing when you share the affinity.

Last night was like another dream,close enough.
Oh well..

Happy holiday.

Tomorrow's the day

Work hasn't been all smooth and it is so darn irritating when luck fluctuates like it's none of your beewax. (Whoever uses it)

Anyhow tomorrow is the day!!!Pray pray pray!
I was never this nervous about dying hair. Perhaps it's has been the first since...last June??(OMG, this is a record!) If it's gonna be a mistake, I think I would just dye it back the following day @ the expense of my already-not-so-impressive hair quality.

Whatever's whatever. Que sera sera.

Good luck tomorrow,people!

Happy Good Friday!

1.5 more days to a different colour

Nice huh? If only life stays nice in a glass ball at Paris.

Right from the start of today, I have been waiting till the end of today.
Tomorrow wise, I would be pining for the end of tomorrow!

Anxiously waiting for either a mistake or just another beautiful mistake. *Pray so hard!*

Aint this a colourful sight!!!! Fell in love with marsh mellows!

Ps: I think I am just blogging rubbish these days..Sigh.

www.magmypic.com

I only managed to copy & paste one coding correctly. -_-. I know I am so damn stupid in IT.

I hope you have not been complaining about the rainy days cos' if you did, you are so gonna be sorry. It seems that the sun is going out strong once more. Sigh, it's so irritating to the skin when you are going home and the sun is so darn scorching.

Monday blues, monday boos! Monday has been boring and I hope tomorrow will be good for us.

Love,

Ling

A change in skin

I am kinda sick of the greyish skin so just randomly picked another.
Hope this won't squint your eyes too much. No comments link here.

Hello friends, Sunday's ending soon again. No worries, next Friday is GOOD~Friday.
I'm gonna dye my hair the day before that and I kinda worried that it will get screw up.It's not that I do not like my current now but you can always get your hair black anytime right?
Besides it has been really a long time since I last coloured it so perhaps it's good to get some changes?
I talk like I'm going to go through some plastic surgeon. Haha..I dunno, I am just worried that it will get screw up. I am so gonna cry my heart out and would slaughter my friend afterwhich.

Enough craps! I have lotsa photos to show!

Saturday's good sun always put me to good mood and so I shall start by showing you my good mood!
Random photos, that is. I just love it when the sky is blue, the clouds are white, the sun is warm & bright, the trees are green and blah blah blah. What a colourful world!

We went to Queensway Shopping Centre with that pair of Adidas Originals in mind. In turn,I bought another steal (Too Adidas Originals) at Anchorpoint & I can't find what I intended to. Life's ironies but it's ok. =)

Us on the way

.
The more that I look at my photo now, the more I am worried about the hair dye. Either to dye or not, the topic would keeps on hanging on my mouth.

Our lunch @ Subway.

I wonder is this the confectionery shop that I saw at Von's blog.

Pretty ol'school, pretty cute.

Of cos' we paid our visit to IKEA(which is undergoing renovation.)
Some fun photos.

Boy's room..Blue & heroic like.

Pink rooms are so nice but Jason only shrugged each time I said I want my room pink and almost all things pink.

IKEA decided to sell 'Crocs' as well.

I like this photo. =)

It was Jason's cousin's bday. Dinner with his relatives are fun. They are just such warm and kind people, it's hard not to like them. Your typical chinese hokkien aunties & uncles. It is just me who is quiet & shy among them.

Dinner was MORE than that. This is just a small snap shot.